Tuesday, April 23, 2013

The Anniversary of My Mother's Passing Is Coming Up.

And I really still miss her so.  The pain eased a bit as life went on, and the holidays were over, but now that it's almost the anniversary of her death (Mother's Day weekend of all weekends), I find myself getting meloncholy.  We have (if you follow the other blog) finished our flooring and backyard, and the time spent taking care of all of it is over.  So today, the first long day I had to myself in quite a few weeks, I was just sad.  I couldn't help myself.

I really just miss my mother and the ache after a year, has not gone away.  My mother was such an important part of my life.  I clung to her when she and my father got divorced when I was 15.  I looked up to her and she always knew what to do.  As she started to fail in the years prior to her death I learned to take care of myself. Actually when I moved away to Northern CA I learned to take care of myself. I learned to rely on myself to make ends meet, I learned to step out of my mother's shadow and live life.  My husband and I got married and adopted the girls and I became a mother myself.  I had to learn on the fly, and the girls had issues and I became a mother myself.   My mother said to me shortly before she died, how proud she was of the mother I had become.  I owe it all to her.  She was a stay at home mom for my school years till I hit high school and my parents divorced and she had to go out to work.  My mom went back and got her degree and she worked till retirement age.  But she was home all of my school years and my fond memories of baking with her, of her coming to my performances at school, shopping, movies, traveling, etc. are all there.  She was such a fun traveling companion and we continued to travel, even when I moved out on my own. 

In the later years, after she had her open heart surgery, life was not the same for my mom. She did not bounce back as others thought she would and she became a recluse, spending days in bed and sort of giving up. It was hard on me to see and I would feel upset and sad after phone conversations as she also developed some dementia.  My daughters loved her and continue to talk about Grandma, but I really wish they'd known the grandma she could have been.  She was a wonderful aunt to all of her nieces and nephews children (all in their 20's and 30's now) and I saw her grandma potential.  Unfortunately, by the time Dave and I were able to give her grandchildren, it was too late for her to enjoy them. 

I just feel today that I want to talk to you mom I want to hear your voice and to hear you say, "how are you lovey (she and my dad's pet name for me)?"  As we approach the year anniversary of her death, I am feeling the sad, achy feeling coming over me.  The I-don't-want-to-do-a-thing feeling.  I went through that for so many months after mom died, so I am trying not to dwell, but I felt that feeling of emptiness today.  That I-wish-she-was-here feeling.  I know not many people will understand it but it's there and I have to ride it out.  I want so badly to talk to someone about it, but I really don't have anyone to talk to about it, and that really makes me cry.  I have friends but they have their own struggles and weren't really there for me when mom passed away, so I don't feel like they would be there for me.  Dave really has no clue what to say, so he can't really help me, and my family don't really want to hear much about how sad I'm feeling so I learned to not really talk to them about it. I know if I called my female cousins they would understand, but one of them has a daughter getting married so I don't want to bother her.  I feel a bit alone right now, but that's to be expected.  I think people feel you should move on and that should be it, but it's hard sometimes because I just miss the sound of her voice, not the voice of the last couple of years but the voice I remember.  I love that voice and I miss it.

The good thing is that I know she's at peace, which is what she really wanted anyway, and I know that she has no pain of any kind.  So I try really hard to live with that and accept it.  I was doing pretty well, but now that the one year anniversary is upon us, I am feeling sad.  But I will go through this to get to the other side, as you do with grief, I think.  And I will make it. I made it through my uncle's (mom's brother) 90th birthday being the only member from my immediate family (alive) who was there and feeling very alone, and I can make it through this, too.

I love you mom, I miss you and I wish you were here daily.  You were a wonderful mom even through the years when I took care of you.  I never saw that happening so when it did, it was hard.  You were always so strong, and you struggled with anxiety, loneliness when you couldn't travel or go out with your friends.  I used to wonder how you gave up so easily. Maybe you were always down and depressed and I just never noticed before, or maybe old age depression and your onset of dementia was what changed you.  I just wish some days you hadn't given up, but then again I didn't have your physical struggle so I didn't feel your pain (even though I felt FOR you when you had pain).  My mother made it a year and almost a month to the date my brother died.  She said at his graveside service, "I'll see you soon son."  And I'm sure she did. 

No comments:

Post a Comment